Mad Science Café

Brooke Abbey

Mad Science Café

This song is Copyright ©2007 Brooke Abbey and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 Canada License - see here for the the full license details.
Used by permission

Lost my job at the paper (The Evening Times-Slander)
And it seems people don't want to hire a crook
But I finally found someone with low enough standards:
Mad Scientist urgently seeks live-in cook

He says I must hunch and say "Master!" with deference
But I can't be too picky when money's this tight
And I'm pretty sure he won't be calling my reference
And I get all day off 'cause he only works nights

Now, the kitchen equipment is somewhat unorthodox
There's lava and hydrogen gas in the taps
There are blackmarket kidneys and hearts in the icebox
It's not like back home - but I've learned to adapt!

I make eye of newt and tail of adder
flame broiled on a jacob's ladder
I bring my stews to a rolling boil
In a saucepan on a tesla coil
My bunsen burner's gentle rays
Warm my goat's blood hollandaise
When I'm in a rush I look in
Lovecraft's guide to microwave cooking
(Ah, the nuke-ronomicon!)

This job isn't perfect; I'm paid in gold fillings
The blood-spattered labcoat is not quite my size
I'd prefer a métier with less ritual killing
But quitting involves my untimely demise
(I don't wanna be the clapped-in-irons chef!)

So I serve zombie wine from haunted casks
In frosty erlyn-meyer flasks
Cheese fondue for Frankenstein's munster
Poison brew for incurable punsters

Embalming fluid man-fillets
Haunted druid canapés
Deep-fried school bus
Hummus of homunculus
Uranium coleslaw
Chicken à la chain saw
Rack of sacrifical lamb
Maple-crusted huma-- "ham"

It ain't easy to work here but I'm optimistic
That my evil employer will soon come to grief
I don't intend murder, but I read statistics:
Mad scientist lifespans are typically brief

So when boss summons demons who rightly take umbrage
Or doesn't give lightning its proper respect
Or carelessly slips as he's crossing the drawbridge
Or gets burned at the stake - I know what to expect.

For I've secretly copied the vault's combination
I'm ready to empty it, then run away
I'll stop by the dungeon and free all the virgins
(They'll make great... waitresses)
And I'm opening my own Mad Science café!