Lyrics and music © 1996 by W. Randy Hoffman- All Rights Reserved
Lyrics posted with permission of the Author
When I went off to wizard's school
I thought I'd learn a simple art
But there are millions of ingredients
And you've got to know them all by heart...
Wing of bat and bladder of squonk will cure the purple pox
Three moon-shadowed claws of griffin will open many locks
Pestbegone steeped long in lye makes clean the sickbed room
But don't mix coal with dragon's blood
That goes "flash-kaBOOM."
My folks told me, "Go learn a trade,
Make someone teach you to get rich."
Now I'm apprenticed for thirteen years
Memorizing what with what does which...
And I quote:
Eye of newt and unicorn hoof will find the hidden thing
Marinated siren's scales will make the dumb to sing
Feathers of young pegasi make the shuttle flutter on the loom
But don't put vril in goat's-milk yogurt
That goes "blop-kaBOOM."
Now I spend my days in stuffy rooms
Eyes glued to dusty crumbling tomes
I resolutely remind myself
Some wizards have palatial homes...
But not many... [Sigh...]
Bugbear toes and and beetle brains won't give you instant fame
But add a dash of phoenix ash to set her love aflame
Will-o-wisps and cotton thread light up the darkest gloom
But don't boil basilisk tears in honey
That goes "zap-kaBOOM."
What is there to look forward to?
Lists so long and books so fat
By the time I graduate
I'll be a library in a pointy hat...
Children sprinkled with pixie dust will float and fly away
But if they take it orally they'll be dead within a day
Curing werewolves calls for wolfsbane, root, stem, leaf, and bloom
But don't go malting brownie brew
That goes "fizzzzzzzz...kaBOOM."
Maybe someday I'll experiment
Try new blends each week or two
Yes, I know that's dangerous
But what else gets that breakthrough through?
Though you must try new recipes to find the philosopher's stone
Sometimes I think it might be better to leave well enough alone
It's one thing to blow up your lab and quite untimely die
But *don't* try running sparks through star-stuff
*That* goes, "Who am I?"!