Kentucky Monster Mash

One midnight in a graveyard not too far from Louisville
A sorcerous moonshiner built a pentagram-shaped still
He added eye of newt and powdered bat wing to his grain
And the spirit of the spirits started flowing to this plane

     CHORUS:
     Kentucky Monster Mash, my ghouls, Kentucky Monster Mash
     You'll pay with your immortal soul, or maybe just pay cash
     It'll mellow out the worst hellhound, turn an angel's halo black
     And if it don't put you in the ground, it'll damn sure bring you back, 
		my ghouls
     It'll damn sure bring you back

The Death Sheep was a savage beast that music couldn't soothe
The "Baa"s that issued from his throat were anything but smooth
Mash took the tin out of his ear, made his voice clear as a bell
Now he's Fenton of the Opera, and he plays Carnegie Hell

     CHORUS

The Count and most religions were at odds, to say the least
But Mash gave him warm feelings for each minister and priest
He flew down to the village church, hoping for detente,
Crashed through a stained-glass window, then landed in the font

     [1]
     Now he's a trick divin' vampire, he drinks his Mash and then
     Jumps into holy water, and he's unborn again
     He's an altar boy with collection plate, a job that makes him proud
     Wearin' white smocks trimmed in blue ribbon and bleeding the crowd

The bayou gator man would drag down everyone he caught
But folks got wise and stayed away, 'til Mash inspired his thoughts
Now, instead of hunting far and wide to find his human grub
He got a liquor license, and he's opened up a pub

     [2]
     Now you can drink in the river, drink in the river
     You can drink in the river, and then you drown
     You can drink in the river, sink in the river
     Get stinkin' in the river, and then you drown


Some wondered why the Mummy always shambled all around
When faster forms of modern transportation could be found
'Twas motion sickness made those methods too hard to endure
Until he started drinking Mash, now he's completely cured

     [3]
     Of his car heaves, car heaves
     That bumping, thumping, pothole jumping made him want to hurl
     Now he's got a Miata
     And he speeds through the scene with the Insect Queen
     'Cause he made that Bee his girl

The fair folk and the Druids now serve Mash at every ball
But what were they to do with all that other alcohol?
The Faerie Queen and all her ladies bathe in Guiness' brew
And they use the Irish whiskey as an animal shampoo

     [4]
     So now all their harts are Tully-taily harts
     Just track them with your nose if you should plan
     To count all those harts, to tally Tully harts
     They smell of stuff that's made for Celt demand

One glass will get you drunk if you're from Earth, or Hell, or Heaven
Because, of course, it has a proof of four-oh-seven-seven
And it's the perfect tipple when you're singing until morn
With Mash and puns all filkers can be children of the corn

     CHORUS

Other tunes:

[1] "Truck Drivin' Vampire" by Michael Longcor
[2] "Drink Up The River" by Kathy Mar
[3] "Kharis" by Juanita Coulson
[4] "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus (and "Telly Taly Heart" 
	by Tom Smith)

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