Rules of Engagement

Moira, my daughter, come here and sit down
    I've heard all about it, you see
You plan to marry an Antarean blort
    And you thought to hide it from me
In all of the years since those aliens came
    This is something none have dared to do
Now as your father and the head of this family
    It falls to me to say this to you:
        Make sure to invite Aunt Imogene
            If you don't, you'll come to grief
        Wear your great-grandmother's wedding dress
            To bless your wedded life
        By all means don't drop the ring or the collar
            Or whatever you'll swap with him
        Poor Triona O'Neill dropped her ring under heel
            And you know what happened to them!

Have you thought much about the reception --
    His people and ours in one place?
There'll have to be a buffet and a trough
    And a designated bone-spitting space
Instead of a beautiful wedding cake
    You'll cut up your father-in-law
Now I know you're in love, and you're floatin' on air,
    But I have to lay down the law:
        You've got to invite Aunt Kate -- she swore
            She'd die if we forgot again
        And don't step on the fire-hall threshold
            Or your house'll surely burn down
        I know he don't have no sense of balance
            But dance the first dance or you're sunk
        And get your maid of honor to give the toast --
            We're gonna try to get the best...thing drunk.

And after that comes the honeymoon
    A voyage of discovery
He'll take you places that you haven't been
    On the shores of Theta Delphini III
You are a pure and innocent girl
    We've worked hard to keep you so
But before he takes you in his pedipalps
    There are a few things that you ought to know:
        Be sure to invite Aunt Caroline
            And -- just anywhere -- drop her off
        Wear a scarf if you romance out of doors
            Or you're certain to catch a bad cough
        Don't get amorous after walking tours
            Or your hatchlings won't have enough legs
        And if you only remember one thing that I say...
            Send pictures when you christen the eggs!

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