Schtick Happens

The other night we were walkin' home,
The streets were dark, we were all alone,
When a man jumped out from behind a pick-up
And shouted, "Stop! This is a schtick-up!"

And as he came toward us,
We noticed somethin' strange was in his hand:
He seemed to be brandishin' a rubber chicken.

Joe and me we just stood and stared
At his green plaid pants and his purple hair
With his polka-dot tie and an orange jacket;
He looked like the son of Buddy Hackett!

And we didn't know what to think, until he shouted, "Put your hands up!
This chicken's loaded. Yep--It''s a 22 caliber."
Friends, I can tell you, lookin' down the barrel of a loaded chicken--well,
it's a SCARY thing!

He said, "I was a comic in New York City,
Where life don't treat you very pretty;
When I couldn't pay my bills on time,
I decided to turn to a life of crime.

But I hated givin' up comedy.
I liked the idea of having a captive audience.
So I decided to do holdups--just for laughs."

Joe spoke up and said, "This ain't funny,
And we ain't givin' you any of our money."
The comic said, "Hey, listen up, folks!
You'd better start laughin' cause this ain't no joke."

That took us a minute.
Then he said, "I just flew in from California, and boy, are my arms tired!"
Then he pointed the chicken right at me, and he said,
"I'd start laughin' if I were you."

Then he told us every one-liner
That was ever told by any head-liner.
Like, "Good night, Gracie!" and "Take my wife!"
And "Which'll it be, your money or your life?"

Yeah, it was a schtick-up, all right!
Jack Benny, George Burns,  Milton Berle, and Henny Youngman;
Y'know, old jokes aren't like fine wine, they don't get better with age!

Well, he took Joe's wallet and he took my purse--
And the jokes kept gettin' worse and worse;
And when he finally let us go
He smiled and said, "Hope y'all enjoyed the show!"

And as he ran off into the night,
We thought about just how much we'd paid to listen to his jokes,
And we realized: We were robbed!

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