Carla Ulbrich IF

Frequently heard on the Dr. Demento show, award-winning songwriter and Professional Smart Aleck Carla Ulbrich has been compared to the likes of Weird Al, Chet Atkins and a bologna sandwich.

A better guitar player than most bologna sandwiches, the South Carolina native and former school band geek has a BA in Music which she currently uses to cover a hole in the wall. She made her singing debut at a pig pickin' on Spring Break in college and has released 3 CDs: Her Fabulous Debut (1999), Professional Smart Aleck (2003) and Sick Humor (2004).

Her songs cover such socially relevant topics as dating for food, the Guinness Book of Records, and trying to communicate with a Klingon. In 2002, Carla suffered two strokes and kidney failure. Undeterred, she re-learned the guitar from scratch that year, spending her many hours in doctors' waiting rooms penning funny parodies about her malady and the absurdity of the health care system. The result was her third CD, Sick Humor release in late 2004. The song What If Your Butt Was Gone, a parody of one of Carla's own songs, is an audience favorite and is included on Dr. Demento's 2005 Basement Tapes compilation.

Carla has taught guitar at several colleges, Hummingbird Music Camp, and the National Guitar Workshop. She tours the East Coast (sometimes beyond), appearing at various folk venues such as The Bluebird Cafe and Eddie's Attic, festivals including Kerrville and Falcon Ridge, concert series, science fiction conventions, colleges, numerous radio stations, and has been featured on USA's Up All Night, PAX TV, and XM radio. She has shared the bill with such luminaries as Cheryl Wheeler and Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel.

Carla discovered filk in January 2001 at Gafilk, where she felt instantly at home. She has since attended numerous conventions, has filked and been filked, and even filked (more than one of!) her own songs.

Find out more about Carla at her website, www.carlau.com

I Have to Kill You Now

Copyright ©1999 Carla Ulbrich. All Rights Reserved
Written during the nastiest case of Poison Ivy ever. Dedicated to Paulie Mac.
Used by permission.

It was late in the evening
I was tired I was ill
I was feeling really groggy
From taking too much Benadryl
So you called and we talked for 5 hours
And I don't remember a thing
Except before I hung up the phone
I do remember saying

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
Unless you can forget somehow
I have to kill you now

I could speculate
on what I might have said
Was it how I flunked the seventh grade
How my high school friends called me Smurfette
Did I rattle on about my cat
And talk about my allergies
And I wonder did I blab
about my stay in drug rehab

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
I could extradite you to Moscow
Or I could kill you now

The way most people see me
I’m hardly ever serious
Fun loving easy going
And a tad mysterious
You with your tape recorder
You with your Smith-Corona
One published article
Could peel away my whole persona

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
I will let you choose how
But I have to kill you now

So you wonder did I kill him
And is all the other stuff true
I cannot reveal those things
‘cause then I’d have to kill you too

I have to kill you now
You know more than I can allow
You've lived a good life anyhow
I have to kill you now